Jesus: The Missing Years

I can't take credit for the title. It's a song by John Prine. My friend Erik suggested it when we were walking through the Musée des Augustins, and I remarked that painters in the 16th and 17th centuries must have been sick of painting Jesus. He'd been the subject of thousands of artworks by then — tapestries, murals, and sculptures — and with a preponderance of Jesus art, painters were probably itching to do something new, like 3D, or pointillism.

Unfortunately, the market was for Jesus paintings, so that's what artists painted, and that's what we have in museums today. But what happened to the things artists made on their own time, when they weren't producing religious art?

Enter "Jesus: The Missing Years."

In my version, Jesus rode around Europe on a bright red motorcycle and lost it in a poker game. Then, he became a student of life. He played music on the street, and he had a series of girlfriends and boyfriends. Some say he fathered several children. He did some modeling in Portugal, back when he had ripped abs and long, flowing hair.

 — all before hanging it up and becoming a martyr.

The John Prine song doesn't go that way, and it's worth a listen. I'm looking to all of you to come up with a different version.

Jesus dressed as Eurovision winner "Conchita Wurst"